party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
