for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
