I think i peed on brittanys purse
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
im six kinds of drunk right now
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
