i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
