I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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