What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm too high and old for this...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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