i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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