I just cut my nipple shaving
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
They are going to name an STD after you.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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