The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
