my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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