every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
