The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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