Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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