According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
