Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
