he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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