I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
