I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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