I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
