so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
