you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
