Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
