You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
