dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
