There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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