I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
