Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
