The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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