Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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