Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
