I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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