Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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