Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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