WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
