Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
