Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
