Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
