I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
