I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
