I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
