In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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