I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
