I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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