Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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