His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
