Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
