There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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