Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
