Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
