Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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