3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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